Goodbye

I have determined after much soul searching that my continued participation in 12 step groups has been holding me back.  It's been a way of life with me for over 26 years, and there's a whole body of experience that argues against the idea of me withdrawing from it...which kind of makes it very lonely in that very few people I know would support this decision.

Nevertheless, I have concluded that this one constant in my life--attendance at these meetings--needs to be set aside so i can see outside the box I'm in.

After toying with this idea for several months it's become apparent that a suitable "replacement" for it is not going to appear and make it okay to do this--I need to go ahead and take the plunge and then see what happens.  There's something about the space or groove that I am and have been in that keeps me from seeing beyond it.

Being around the fellowship makes it okay for me to lapse into less than I can be, but as sick as that is, it's miles beyond where 90% of them are.  I am not challenged and this is not a good thing.  As someone I know once put it, all these meetings are interfering with my recovery.

So goodbye, 12-steppers: goodbye to your petty self-generated dramas, your over-wrought, disingenuous little testimonies, your dick-measuring contests, your self-righteous rationalizations about why you need to stay sick.  I don't know what's next, only what's behind me.